Part of the Fat Nat story
For many years I was called Fat Nat. Because it rhymed and because I am fat. I even called myself Fat Nat, as a way to buffer the comments a little. I pretended to be ok with people calling me that. I pretended that I was fine being verbally abused day in and day out.
I tried every weight loss scheme, program and diet known to mankind in an effort to fit in with other people’s perceptions of how I should look in order to be considered beautiful.
The fact was each and every time someone called me Fat Nat, my heart broke a little more, and I felt more and more unworthy.
The truth is yes I AM FAT. In fact, I am morbidly obese. Part of it is genetics, part of it is an autoimmune disease, and part of it is poor choices. And, a big part of it is my belief that I’m not worthy of happy, healthy, and all that.
The truth is though, that although I am fat, I am also beautiful.
I can be both.
I am both.
I am fat.
I am beautiful.
In the past when I said I was fat before others did, they’d jump in and say oh no, you’re not fat, you’re beautiful. This implies that I can’t be both. This implies that they believe that fat is a bad thing. It is used as an insult. It is used to dehumanise me, and others like me, to make us feel unworthy.
I’ve had friends post pictures of larger women, degrading them, laughing at them, using them as the punch line to some sick joke. Sometimes I’d comment and ask ‘where did you get MY picture from’. I did this as a way to show these ‘friends’ that the photos are of real people, and that they don’t deserve to be treated like trash. The replies were generally the same ‘oh but you’re not fat Nat’.
I can’t even count the times people have said it to me. Or count the times people would comment about my weight. ‘Have you lost weight Nat, you look great’. Again, this implies that being thinner is better, more beautiful. Society has deemed thin to be beautiful.
There was even one occasion when a medical professional looked at me, and asked whether I had considered weight loss surgery. The amount of restraint I demonstrated in that moment was amazing. If the doctor had looked at my patient history, they would have clearly seen that I had done that. For me, it did not work. The doctor couldn’t look past my weight, and actually provide expertise on the issue I was there for. Which was my autoimmune disease.
Other comments that hurt from people were things like ‘oh I feel fat today too’. Firstly, you don’t feel fat. You feel bloated, or feel discomfort within your body. But you don’t feel fat. People, usually thin people would use this comment as a way to emphasise with me fatness. But you can’t feel it. People need to look at the language they are using when it comes to weight.
I could literally write hundreds of examples of times in my life when people have judged me negatively because of my weight.
Funny how a lifetime of negative comments didn’t actually help me lose weight, but only contributed to my poor self worth and poor mental health.
It has taken me a long time to unravel the stories I told myself about my worth, my value, my weight, my beauty. My self worth is no longer wrapped up in my weight. My self worth is not up to you to decide. My self worth is determined by me, and me alone.
My weight, regardless of what it actually is, is NONE of your business, and not for you to comment on, EVER.